Apologies for absence.

Well, I think this blog helped me put a lot of things to bed, so to speak.
I am finally getting wiser and more discerning when it comes to making better choices as to whom I spend time with. People pleasing is still very much hard wired into my D.N.A, however, I have learned to recognise when to call a halt to constantly giving if the end result isn’t looking like it will yield a positive result.
Finally embracing who I am and learning to at the very least liking myself, has been the key.
Staying true to one’s self really does attract the right people and situations.

What now?

I made a cracking start on this blog, the words flowing out of me like water. I am at a slight stall, maybe because my daughter has a big birthday tomorrow, it may also be because I am being far more open and honest with some of my bad experiences.

There is a real sense of embarrassment when you get sucked in, chewed up and spat out over and over again. There is still a certain amount of faith left in me to attempt to move along, but there is also a great deal of aprehension of history repeating itself. It is obvious I am a target for certain personality types, the secret is now to only reach out to those without an underlying agenda. I am a life long people – pleaser, to the point I have lost who I am and to my eventual detriment.

I also struggle with the concept of “me me me”, this is what blogging feels like (in my mind) , it is cathartic, but also a little uncomfortable.  Putting all of this down and sending it off into the ether makes me feel like less of a burden to my friends and family (I am sure they don’t mind, but they have their own baggage to deal with, plus I am loathe to become the friend everyone dreads calling them!).

My life has served to make me question myself time and time again. Am I a Narcissist?  So many play the victim (again experience) , I like to think my self esteem is healthy, however,  my ego is pretty fragile and I withdraw from humanity for many a short period. It has been said that if you are even questioning yourself, you can’t possibly be a narc, a crumb of comfort and reassurance maybe?

The concept of making someone dance to a tune or deliberately making life difficult and painful for anyone is beyond my comprehension, so, all looks favourable for me with regard to personality disorders. It would be wonderful to finally lick this depression that is plaguing me as a result of my encounters with those types of personality that’s for sure!