Well, I think this blog helped me put a lot of things to bed, so to speak.
I am finally getting wiser and more discerning when it comes to making better choices as to whom I spend time with. People pleasing is still very much hard wired into my D.N.A, however, I have learned to recognise when to call a halt to constantly giving if the end result isn’t looking like it will yield a positive result.
Finally embracing who I am and learning to at the very least liking myself, has been the key.
Staying true to one’s self really does attract the right people and situations.

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I was trying to keep this blog chronological (so new to this!) , however, the recent past is relevant tonight. Another of my painful experiences with an actual, bonefide, diagnosed Narc. Multiple personality disorders in this case. It is a long, complex story, actually made more complex by the manipulation and grandeur of someone in a way that might surprise you.

In the past five years,  I have become quite politically aware and wanted to be a small part in affecting change. Through this enhanced interest, I have met some very interesting and colourful characters. A couple of years ago, we all decided it would be really cool to meet up and share our ideas for getting the word around that we didn’t like recent policies.

Before this event, we had all done our “bit” through social media. Some are quite ardent campaigners, most are disabled in some way. There was one in particular who I’d recently grown very close to, a female. She still has a huge online following and is a prolific letter – writer, using humour to tackle quite serious issues.

I guess I hero – worshipped her a bit, she seemed so sweet and charming. When we met in person, she almost crushed my ribs, such was the warmth. We clicked instantly. She intrigued me because she lived in a unique situation, she had two “husbands”!

She virtually courted me, she told me she admired me (as I admired her) she told me that her (legally wed) husband thought I was cute, we then became Facebook friends. I was busy with study and children who were on the cusp of adulthood, and what indeed was wrong with harmless flirting? It was all above board and I thought he was rather cute too.

Again I became heavily involved in another political event, one of the organisers this time. We wanted to celebrate those people who took the trouble to write regularly to the powers that be, this female being one of them. She was away with husband number two that day, she would send husband number one to represent her……

The meeting. …instant magnetism. .. instant attraction. .. the day ending in a date and a very naughty invite home..not one that I accepted (even though I really wanted to!).. could I be part of this collective of polyamoury?

My baby has turned 18. I am immensely proud of the beautiful, self assured yet humble young woman she has become.  I am going to blow my own trumpet here ….just this once……

When I threw her narc father’s things out onto the doorstep, with my wedding ring as the adornment, she was barely 7 years old. It was the best day’s work I ever did. She still has a good (ish!) relationship with him, the reason I say “ish” is because he too tries to make her feel unsure of herself, reminiscent of how he manipulated me.

He had to go, mainly for the sake of my daughters.  What sort of role model would I have been had I continued to be this man’s verbal punchbag and whipping girl? If any of this is reaching anyone contemplating leaving an emotionally abusive or violent relationship, if you have children, I implore you! Leave for their sake if not for yours.

She is a very wise young lady who knows the wood from the trees. She loves him, but sees his flaws as clear as crystal. Not all children can be influenced or bought, try to have faith in the strength of your relationship with your offspring.

He is remarrying this year, and it seems he met his match! She is Ùber narc!… My daughter now maintains a healthy distance,  and sees things as they are, and I’m going to applaud myself for that…. just this once.

I made a cracking start on this blog, the words flowing out of me like water. I am at a slight stall, maybe because my daughter has a big birthday tomorrow, it may also be because I am being far more open and honest with some of my bad experiences.

There is a real sense of embarrassment when you get sucked in, chewed up and spat out over and over again. There is still a certain amount of faith left in me to attempt to move along, but there is also a great deal of aprehension of history repeating itself. It is obvious I am a target for certain personality types, the secret is now to only reach out to those without an underlying agenda. I am a life long people – pleaser, to the point I have lost who I am and to my eventual detriment.

I also struggle with the concept of “me me me”, this is what blogging feels like (in my mind) , it is cathartic, but also a little uncomfortable.  Putting all of this down and sending it off into the ether makes me feel like less of a burden to my friends and family (I am sure they don’t mind, but they have their own baggage to deal with, plus I am loathe to become the friend everyone dreads calling them!).

My life has served to make me question myself time and time again. Am I a Narcissist?  So many play the victim (again experience) , I like to think my self esteem is healthy, however,  my ego is pretty fragile and I withdraw from humanity for many a short period. It has been said that if you are even questioning yourself, you can’t possibly be a narc, a crumb of comfort and reassurance maybe?

The concept of making someone dance to a tune or deliberately making life difficult and painful for anyone is beyond my comprehension, so, all looks favourable for me with regard to personality disorders. It would be wonderful to finally lick this depression that is plaguing me as a result of my encounters with those types of personality that’s for sure!

In my quest to seek answers,  I venture an opinion. Have these types of personality disorder become more commonplace? Or, are we just more aware of what to look for when identifying the specific traits that typify its presence?

I have come across many people, on social media in particular, who have encountered and are living with those who have this personality type. I asked this specific question on a group that I belong to: has the culture of “everyone’s a winner” bred more narcs?

In theory, it is a wonderful thing to be able to empower our children and up and coming youth with the concept of anything is possible. Surely this has to be tempered with an individual’s capabilities. Not everyone is going to become a Neurosurgeon or a rocket scientist.

I have my own children (now young adults) and have worked with children for many years. Competition amongst parents starts very early, even before their offspring start school. I am sure there are many of you who can identify with those conversations at the playgroup gates, “Johnny was potty trained at 10 months, and can write his name already”. An exaggerated example, but you get the idea!

Do we expect far too much of our children? Are some parents trying to live a life not lived through their babies? Is society to blame in an ever more dog eat dog world? Are parents under so much pressure to be seen to be doing well that they do not have the time or energy to validate their children for the individuals that they are? I would be grateful for any opinions on this.

…And so, over the years, my sister certainly had her moments! My Grandmother finally lost her fight with terminal bowel cancer in 1974 (when I was six). My Grandfather became even more cantankerous and embittered (this might sound like a very harsh evaluation of him, although I will point out at this stage that in the earlier years of their union, he was physically and mentally abusive to his wife!). Everyone spoke of this “sweet old man”, my Mother being the “Whipping Girl” from an 8 strong brood.

If one of the other 7 came to visit, brought him his favourite pipe tobacco, we never heard the last of this type of gesture. I don’t think I ever heard “Pops” utter a word of gratitude to my Mother, in spite of all the kindnesses and her servitude to him. One thing always struck me however, Pops had a real problem with my Dad!

Dad was just …. Dad! I idolised him. He was a very quiet man, he must have been extremely patient living with elderly in – laws, especially one who resented him so much. Dad was born and raised in a rural village in the Midlands, a farmer’s son. He was an extremely bright kid by all accounts. He got a place at grammar school and did extremely well for himself academically. This brought him to London, to take on an engineering apprenticeship. This is how he got to meet my Mother.

Dad did his National service for 3 years and went on to get a job with a well known newspaper as an engineer, he went on to marry Mother. All sounding pretty great so far. I suppose their relationship was a reflection of that generation and decade (end of the 50’s). As soon as she married, she never went outside of the home to work again. Dad did shift work, and always called in at the pub on the way home. He liked a drink (a very good drink sometimes! ) but he was never mean, he was quite a silly, soppy drunk and nobody went without at home, ever.

Now, I am purposely telling you, dear reader, all of this, because I believe the fact that Dad was a relatively young, financially sound working man, it was the basis for Pop’s bitterness and dislike of his son-in-law. Pops stayed in the smaller lounge at the front of our house. Whenever my Dad left the house, you could hear the barely audible creak of his armchair, then the almost perceptible moaning and cursing. It seemed to all of us who REALLY knew Dear Old Pops that here was a man in the Winter of his years, full of resentment towards the younger man who paid ALL the bills and loved my Mother.

I remember once (good lord knows what started it off, probably nothing noteworthy! ) sweet old Pops taking a swing at Dad with an empty beer bottle. As I have got older, I have seriously come to realise that there were some very complicated dynamics going on in my household. I believe they hold the key to the rest of my journey. There was quite a lot of dysfunction, but I was loved, really loved by my parents definitely. As for Pops and my sister. .. hmmmm… maybe in a way.. but as in their way or the highway.

So…. I see followers! How lovely! Hoping many more will follow the followers. I really should be asleep right now, but it has been patchy for a good long while. This is the time, always, when I reflect and rarely in a good way. I have read a wealth of stuff regarding narcissist personality disorders, sociopathy, dependent personality. I shake my head in agreement, been there, seen and heard that. Ok, I get that it is a very real disorder, but can you class a person with such a “sufferer” when they mostly make others suffer at their hand? Having come from the receiving end of that hand, I cannot feel anything other than disgust, distaste and loathing. This really is my angry time. I want to purge it before it consumes me.

Well, I’m here……

Posted: January 31, 2015 in Uncategorized

I have arrived. … I need to start typing and getting things out there…but where to start, that is the question. As is typical of a person who blames herself constantly, I have had a psychological evaluation today. I do need to explore the reasons why I am 1: a target for narcissists and 2: why do I not spot it/why do I allow it/do I invite it? Whilst I wait to be given six sessions, I may well explore some of it here… I am, however, realising that I am my own worst enemy at times and these thoughts have a habit of becoming a self – fulfilling prophecy.

Where do I begin? At the beginning? I’m not really sure when it all started really, although over the last few months I have finally rumenated on this…. I didn’t really know what a “narcissist” was until the middle of last year, the discovery of the meaning of this “condition” shook me, resonated, alarm bells rang, the “red flags” disregarded, all came at once and hit me firmly in my gut.

My biggest question was… why do these bastards all target me? I am an intelligent, independent woman, who is not displeasing to the eye or of disposition, who is not afraid to speak their mind, who champions the underdog. ..so…. again I ask…. why me? Or conversely,  why not me?

It is clear as day now that my encounters with those with this personality disorder came very early. I worshipped my elder sister (my only sibling), there was a gap of 9 years between us, totally unintentional my Mother would tell me. There was a miscarriage two years after my sister was born, and a long wait for me. Mother swore blind that a fall downstairs “jolted” her reproductive system in place. I always wonder, was that lost baby a longed for boy? Would it have been an easier ride for this sibling?

My Mother always told me my sister had specifically asked for a “blue – eyed,  Blonde-haired brother”, I was all of those things, apart from the obvious lack of a penis. We lived in a terraced house with my ageing Grandparents, my Grandmother was terminally ill, my Grandfather a cantankerous old bastard (maybe the narc trait extends back further?).

My Mother not only had a dying parent to nurse, or a Father to constantly placate, but a young child, husband and an older, rather rebellious adolescent to attend. Something I suppose had to give. My Mother relied on my sister to babysit me in order to do these things. In most cases, it wouldn’t be terrible. I loved spending time with her. I can’t really say the feeling was mutual!

She would give me chores to do (not so bad) sadly, I would never do it right, or not in time, or to her liking. I would be called useless,  stupid,  a pain and usually it gave her an excuse to hit me. She would always deny it. I think my Mother knew that although we had the same blood, we were different. She always tried to be fair to the both of us, but I always got more favourable treatment (so my sister would always scream) … Narcissistic rages anyone? Not that I knew that back then.. I was only 5 years old.